By Chris Wilkinson
Put your hand up if you’re aging.
Well, duh, right?! It’s one trait we all share. We’re all getting older. I found right around the age of 40 I started getting much more reflective about how much time I have left here. What I’ve accomplished — and more so what I have left to accomplish. And I started to think about how to improve. How to get better with age.
Of course, getting north of 40 meant that physical improvements would only happen within a declining potential. So the physical isn’t really the focus, outside of basic health. As we age north of 40 perhaps it gets to be more about fulfillment and happiness.
It may be easiest to look at this as it relates to Maslow’s Hierarchy — a classic and well accepted model for our needs-motivated behaviours.
As we age we tend to have the bottom two levels of the pyramid looked after to a certain extent. It’s the third level, Love and Belonging, that I wonder about most these days. Given that it’s the third tier in the pyramid, that may suggest that it’s only moderately important. Perhaps that “if I don’t have that one fulfilled, it won’t affect me that much.” Nothing could be further from the truth.
Love and belonging are critical to our fulfillment and happiness. Love and belonging are most essential. Popular author and researcher, Brene Brown, has studied love and belonging for years and writes, “After collecting thousands of stories, I’m willing to call this a fact: A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children.” Wow. Powerful statement. After reading a couple of her books recently, I’m a strong believer. So much so that I think Love and Belonging is just as important as the Physiological Needs at the base of the pyramid, if not more.
It’s important to share that belonging isn’t just “fitting in” — a term that suggests that we change our behaviour to fit in with others. Quite differently, belonging means that we connect with others based on who we really are, by having the courage to be ourselves and be accepted for who we truly are. That’s the essence of feeling worthy — being comfortable in our own skin (around others).
Brene Brown has made a clear case that the barrier to belonging is a lack of feeling worthy. In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown writes, “…we need to understand when and why we hustle for worthiness rather than claim it; and we have to understand the things that get in the way.” That’s such a big statement. The things that get in the way… Wow. Does life and lack of real prioritizing get in the way, do you think? We don’t even realize how big this is. Brown’s words about things that get in the way remind me of a favourite quote of mine from Harvard psychologist and decades-long researcher on happiness, George Vaillant. As Vaillant puts it, there are two pillars of happiness: one is love, the other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away. How poignant.
If you feel something here, if this topic interests you or reaches down in your chest and pulls you forward, listen to that. Do some research into Brene Brown’s work. Read her books. Watch her TED talks on YouTube. And reflect on your feeling of worthiness. It’s a huge topic these days for a reason. You’re worth it.
Chris Wilkinson is the owner/GM for Nurse Next Door Home Care Services for Cowichan and central Vancouver Island. For more info visit www.NurseNextDoor.com or for questions or a free in-home Caring Consult call 250-748-4357, or email Chris.Wilkinson@NurseNextDoor.com